Pete Hegseth bragged during this week’s pentagon press briefing that our military, “established a powerful red white and blue dome over the Strait of Hormuz.”

Red white and blue? You mean the same colors as those handkerchiefs you blow your nose into?

Yeah, Mr. Patriot always sports an American flag handkerchief in his breast pocket. The man literally blows his nose into Old Glory.

But to Hegseth’s credit, he never uses the American flag for toilet paper. No he’d rather wipe his ass with the Constitution.

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Howard Lutnick begged Jeffrey Epstein for an island invite. Kash Patel lost it after losing his bourbon. Putin's and Shell Oil's quarterly oil profits more than doubled since the war began

In this episode:
• Howard Lutnick's emails to Jeffrey Epstein — and his defense: "I brought my wife and kids"
• Epstein's suicide note finally made public — found by his cellmate, an ex-cop charged with quadruple homicide
• Kash Patel's missing bourbon at Quantico and the threat to prosecute the FBI agent who took it
• Three U.S. destroyers attacked in the Strait of Hormuz — and the ceasefire Trump never wanted
• Shell Oil's quarterly profits more than doubled since the war began
• The two people who put Trump in office: Big Oil and Vladimir Putin
• Pete Hegseth and the War Crimes Act of 1996
• Marco Rubio's Cuba story falls apart — his family came three years before Castro
• Zoran Mamdani puts a slumlord's head on a stick — $31 million judgment, $900,000 frozen
• Steven Roth says "tax the rich" is the same as a racial slur
• John Catsimatidis defines the middle class from his Florida mansion
• Ken Griffin's $238 million Manhattan penthouse and the pied-à-terre tax
• California governor race — the 2026 Billionaire Tax Act, Katie Porter, Tom Steyer
• If you're not angry, you're depressed

Key figures: Howard Lutnick, Jeffrey Epstein, Kash Patel, Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Pete Hegseth, Marco Rubio, Zoran Mamdani, Steven Roth, John Catsimatidis, Ken Griffin, Gavin Newsom, Katie Porter, Tom Steyer, Ro Khanna, Kamala Harris

📋 Chapters
0:00 🎙️ Intro: War drums in the Strait

0:36 💣 Iran says the United States lied

2:19 ⛽ Shell Oil’s blood-soaked profits

3:27 🤥 Marco Rubio’s fake family history

6:03 🗳️ Newsom protects his rich donors

10:08 🐍 Newsom fights a tax for the rich

11:58 🎯 Katie Porter actually fights for you

16:09 🏙️ Zoran Mamdani vs the landlords

25:34 🏥 Why Obamacare helps insurance giants

29:35 🏢 Billionaires must pay for empty nests

32:46 📉 Ken Griffin’s tax avoidance schemes

1:06:20 🤬 Steven Roth’s disgusting comparison

1:15:09 🤡 Billionaires define the middle class

1:33:33 💸 Trump laughs while you pay more

1:43:11 🏝️ Howard Lutnick’s Epstein memory loss

1:54:05 📜 The truth about the Epstein note

Howard Lutnick begged Jeffrey Epstein for an invitation to the island. We have the emails. We have his wife's emails too. And when he got caught, the former Commerce Secretary's defense was this: he wasn't lying when he said he was never alone with Epstein, because he brought his wife and his kids along. As if that makes it better. As if that is not somehow worse.

Kash Patel runs the FBI now. A bottle of bourbon went missing at the Quantico training facility in March. The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly threatened to prosecute whoever took it. This is the man in charge of national counterintelligence.

Three American destroyers go through the Strait of Hormuz. They get hit. We bomb Tehran. The Iranians say we broke the ceasefire. The White House says they did. And while the missiles are flying, Shell Oil quietly announces its quarterly profits more than doubled since the war began. Trump tore up the Iran nuclear deal in 2018. He lifted sanctions on Russian oil after Hormuz shut down. There are two people who put Donald Trump into office. The oil companies, and Vladimir Putin. Both of them won this week.

Meanwhile in New York, Zoran Mamdani froze nine hundred thousand dollars of two slumlords' money to fix the buildings they let rot. That is what putting a head on a stick looks like. Steven Roth, the real estate billionaire, called "tax the rich" the same as a racial slur. John Catsimatidis explained the middle class from his Florida mansion. Ken Griffin claims Florida residence on a $238 million Manhattan penthouse.

If you're not angry, you're depressed.
#Epstein #HowardLutnick #KashPatel #Putin #IranWar #StraitOfHormuz #ShellOil #Mamdani #DavidFeldmanShow

On the previous episode, I said Marco Rubio’s family came to America fleeing Fidel Castro. Well, up until 2011, that was Rubio’s story. He claimed to be the son of Cuban immigrants who fled communism. But the truth is a little different, as are all things when it comes to Marco Rubio.

Several of my listeners, thank you, left comments and emailed me.

They pointed me in the direction of a Washington Post investigation from 2011, which exposed Rubio’s lies about his family’s origins. Sure, they came from Cuba, but they weren’t fleeing Castro. They came in 1956.

Fidel Castro took power on New Year’s Day, 1959. Remember? That’s when Michael kisses Fredo and says, “It was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.”

The Rubios came three years before Michael put a hit on his older brother, while Batista was still in charge.

So, I was wrong, and Rubio lied. They weren’t fleeing communism.

In fact, Marco Rubio’s mother went back after Castro took charge, she didn’t like it, and came back to America. If only she stayed and insisted Marco join her.

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I wish I were making this up, but it’s true: Kentucky’s Secretary of State, Michael Adams, Republican, had to announce before Election Day—I wish I were making this up, because his office—he’s the Secretary of State; they control elections in Kentucky—his office was flooded with calls from angry Kentucky Republicans demanding to know why there were no polling precincts open on Tuesday so they could vote against Zohran Mamdani for Mayor of New York City.

I wish I were making this up.

Again, Adams, Kentucky’s Secretary of State, Republican, took to social media saying, “We’re getting calls about polls being closed. They are closed because we do not have elections today. Kentucky votes next year. You cannot vote today in Kentucky for the mayor of New York City. Sorry.”

He then wrote, “Have I mentioned my repeated call for civic education?”

Well, Kentucky Secretary of State Michael Adams—I want to remind you that you’re a Republican—and all those people in Kentucky calling, itching to vote against Zohran Mamdani, they vote for you.

You claim you’re for civic education? If there were any, you’d be out of a job.

So would Senators Rand Paul & Mitch McConnell.

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Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro said his country apprehended CIA backed mercenaries attempting some sort of false flag operation intended to justify America going in. According to the Miami Herald, Maduro accused Trinidad and Tobago of being part of it.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump told reporters on Friday he doesn’t need Congressional authority to invade Venezuela. He says, “I already have it,” adding, “We’re just gonna kill people who are bringing drugs into America.”

He said, “We’re gonna kill them. They’re gonna be dead.” Why? Because they’re drug dealers and this war in Venezuela, it’s all about the drugs. Nothing to do with Venezuela having the world’s largest known oil reserves—bigger than Saudi Arabia’s, 303 billion proven oil reserves to be exact. But it has nothing to do with that. It’s about stopping the flow of drugs into our country.

In 2007, under the leadership of Maduro’s predecessor, Hugo Chavez, Venezuela nationalized the oil industry. And just like when Iran tried that in the 1950s, the United States said, “Well, it’s your country, your oil, whatever you want to do.” I think that’s what we said to Iran when they tried to nationalize.

Right? I better double check.

Exxon claims the Venezuelan government seized $1 billion worth of its assets and has been fighting Maduro in court to get their money back. But that has nothing to do with the American military. Exxon has billions. They can fight their own battles. I mean, when has Exxon ever had to rely on the United States military to protect their oil investments?

No. This—if we go to war in Venezuela—this is about cocaine and fentanyl.

Our friends from ConocoPhillips say Venezuela owes them close to $10 billion. Chevron says Venezuela owes them hundreds of millions. Then there are the mining interest and smaller oil companies all claiming Venezuela owes them money after they nationalized their natural resources.

But why would Trump topple a Venezuelan regime over oil?

No, this is all about stopping the flow of cocaine and fentanyl into the United States and of course spreading freedom and democracy.

How do I know? Because Trump says so.

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Trump is a fraud, and a day of reckoning will soon be upon us, especially when it comes to this economy.

Mark my words. In fact, mark three of my words, and those are: cash is king.

I don’t know if it’s the end of this year or next or two years from now, but soon you’ll only hear: cash is king.

Yes, artificial intelligence will transform the world as the internet did, probably more. But this economy is running on debt to build out AI infrastructure that is more than we need or can handle. Hundreds of billions, possibly trillions, are being spent building what amounts to a Formula One race car with a V12 engine for a one-lane highway.

In the end, we will have staggering technology to solve our biggest mysteries.

I believe AI will extend lives by decades, and I hope cures global warming. I mean, AI better cure global warming because right now its data centers are becoming the number one cause of it.

AI, like the internet after the dotcom bust, will still be standing and growing. But a massive bubble is groaning.

When you fold into this scenario cryptocurrency, which nobody understands, along with private equity now making private loans impossible to track, we have all the makings of a massive credit bubble, caused by one thing: debt.

Corporations, very successful ones, are taking on debt to build out the AI infrastructure. Meanwhile sloths and bottom feeders with no idea what they’re gambling on make unregulated bets on that debt.

One day, the banks, private equity firms doing the lending, the gambler on that debt, the investors, corporations, you and I, all racking up debt to keep these plates spinning, well, one day we’ll need cash, not debt—cash. That’s when the plates stop spinning and all anyone will talk about is the crash and cash.

Cash will be king.

And you know who has cash? The people who own this country.

They will get to own even more of it once real estate and stocks are being sold for pennies on the dollar. In fact, they’re the ones who put Trump into office to remove the guardrails, while forcing the Fed to lower interest rates so people keep borrowing.

The more corporations borrow, the more people borrow to gamble on cryptocurrency, the more private equity predators borrow and lend, the louder that crash is going to be.

The people who own this country, the top 1% of the richest 1%, they’ll get to own even more.

That’s why they love Donald Trump.

Jeff Bezos privately admitted this. He said AI is a massive bubble, adding after it bursts, those who survive—in other words, those who have cash—will have the capacity, the infrastructure to ride artificial intelligence to the commanding heights of our economy.

This is why a responsible nation regulates the economy. This is why governments must interfere with banks, Wall Street, cryptocurrency brokers, and private equity.

Because left to their own devices, these ignorant frauds will crash the economy, destroy jobs, marriages, childhoods, and lives.

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Mark Kreidler from the American Prospect writes that in 2022 undocumented Americans paid $100 billion in federal, state and local taxes

He points out that they also pay into Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment insurance and Social Security even though they're not entitled to any of it.

Jamshid Damooei, executive director of the Center for Economics of Social Issues at California Lutheran University, told the American Prospect,“Undocumented immigrants are not a source of depletion of our tax revenue. They subsidize our benefits. They are not the takers of our tax revenue but the makers who receive very little in return."

There is no migrant or immigration crisis. The problem is ICE. Abolish it.

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I’m hosting a debate watch party tonight on Zoom starting at 8:30 PM Eastern. After Trump humiliates himself, I’ll open the floor for ridicule as I record an episode of my podcast. I hope you can join us.

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Paul Pressler, one of the leaders of the 41,000 churches that make up the Southern Baptist Convention, is dead at the age of 94.

The Southern Baptist Convention, with more than 16 million members, is America’s largest Protestant denomination. It was founded in 1845 as a pro slavery splinter group that broke from the Northern Baptists because the Northern Baptists consisted of way too many abolitionists.

The Southern Baptists, after picking the wrong side in the Civil War, supported Jim Crow, segregation and fought the civil rights movement all the way up until 1995 when they finally issued a formal apology for their more than 150 year war against black people.

It was then, in the late 90s, after apologizing for their bigotry, that the Southern Baptist Convention put the LGBTQ community and women’s reproductive freedom into its crosshairs.

Same bigotry, different victims.

And Paul Pressler lead the way. Pressler played a key role in the Southern Baptist Convention’s drift to the far right and warm, creepy embrace of the Republican party.

It was Pressler who nudged the Southern Baptists into opposing abortion and same sex marriage.

Pressler’s opinions carried much weight since he also served as a judge on Texas’ 14th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Because of leaders like Pressler, the Southern Baptist Convention didn’t just condemn the LGBTQ community, it officially stated that the mere desire to engage in a homosexual act is, “sinful, impure, degrading, shameful, unnatural, indecent and perverted.”

Which is all the more reason to at least try it.

The Southern Baptist Convention, thanks in no small part to Judge Pressler, still to this day equates homosexuality to adultery and pornography.

Of course it opposes abortion, and isn’t too keen on feminism.

I’m all for religious tolerance, but I refuse to abide by religious intolerance.

Southern Baptists are responsible for a lot of pain in this world. Jesus said love everyone and take care of the poor. These people are not Christians.

Meanwhile the Southern Baptist Convention refuses to recognize same sex marriage and won’t ordain any ministers who are openly gay.

All thanks in no small measure to Judge Paul Pressler, leading conservative board member of the Southern Baptist Convention who insisted homosexuality is an abomination-- dead at the age of 94. 

What more is there to say about Paul Pressler?

Other than the Houston Chronicle reported six years ago that Pressler was fired as a youth pastor in 1977 for allegedly grabbing the penis of a teenage boy while the two were naked in a sauna.

Also, back in 1977, two teenage boys stepped forward accusing Pressler of molesting them.

That would be devout Christian, Paul Pressler, Judge Paul Pressler, dead at the age of 94.

Pressler was more than a judge, youth pastor and board member of the Southern Baptist Convention. He was also part of a law firm where, according to reporting in the Houston Chronicle, and the San Antonio News, a male associate quit after Pressler demanded they both get into a hot tub naked.

According to other reporting, the law firm provided Pressler with young male personal assistants who would report to work not at the office but rather Paul Pressler’s Texas mansion.

Two of these personal assistants went on to accuse Pressler of sexual assault.

Men. Two men.

In 2004, Pressler paid another man 400,000 dollars as part of a settlement after a young man said while still in high school he attended Pressler’s bible study class and ended up getting raped by Pressler.

Pastor Pressler took a liking to the young high school student and then, according to the lawsuit, proceeded to rape the young teenage boy three to four times a month inside Pressler’s mansion.

This victim also filed a lawsuit accusing one of the other heads of the Southern Baptist Convention, Paige Patterson, of covering up for decades Pressler’s serial raping of young boys.

This lawsuit against the Southern Baptist Convention ended in December of last year after seven other men stepped forward saying they too were sexually abused as children by Paul Pressler.

The Southern Baptist Convention immediately settled with those victims for an undisclosed amount.

Judge Paul Pressler, Southern Baptist Convention leader, and adjudicated serial rapist of young boys, dead at the age of 94.

My condolences to his wife Nancy Avery, his three children, seven grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren.

Wow, that’s a lot of children.

Yup. Judge Paul Pressler, Southern Baptist Convention leader, sure loved children.

How many suicides do you think Paul Pressler is responsible for?

How many members of the LGBTQ community were beaten up or killed because of Paul Pressler’s ministrations?

How many women stayed in violent marriages, carried their uncle’s fetus to full term, or gave up on their dreams of social mobility because of Paul Pressler?

One thing Pressler got right, there is evil in this world. He shaved the face of it every morning.

Like I said, Jesus only taught us to love one another and take care of the poor.

Religious leaders who teach us that Jesus opposed abortion and same sex marriage can go straight to hell.

-David

I’m hosting a debate watch party tonight on Zoom starting at 8:30 PM Eastern. After Trump humiliates himself, I’ll open the floor for ridicule as I record an episode of my podcast. I hope you can join us.

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Donald Trump is vetting vice presidential candidates, and Florida Congressman Byron Donalds wants to be on that list.

So, last Tuesday, Donalds, who is black, told a crowd in Philadelphia that black families were stronger under Jim Crow than they are now.

Byron Donalds may not have a problem with Jim Crow, but he's obviously got a serious problem with Jim Beam. What is wrong with this man? That’s insane, even for a person from Florida.

Democrat Fentrice Driskell, minority leader in the Florida House of Representatives, said of Byron Donalds’ statement:

This is disgraceful. Misrepresenting history has become a cornerstone of the republican platform. We must fight back against this extremism at every turn. There was nothing positive about Jim Crow, period. Full stop. Jim Crow laws relegated black Americans to second class status, mandated black disenfranchisement, and sanctioned the abuse, torture and murder of black people. It's shameful to see this dark period in our history romanticized in an effort to score cheap political points.

You might remember South Carolina Senator Tim Scott. He’s a black Republican just like Byron Donalds.

Before declaring his candidacy for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, Scott said America isn’t a racist country. Well Tim, America may not be racist, but your party is. So is your presumptive nominee as well as everybody who votes for him.

Scott, who also hopes to make Trump’s short list of running mates, has become the GOPs point man on getting more black people to vote Republican.

They’re not voting for Donald Trump. A brand new YouGov poll shows Joe Biden getting 81 percent of the black vote. You might be hearing that Trump has doubled his support among black voters. Sure. He’s gone from seven percent to fourteen percent. He’s still not winning the black vote.

But Tim Scott is working on it.

Last week he said Trump's four criminal trials resonate with black voters because it reminds them of how unfair our nation's two tier justice system is.

Ah Yes, that two tier justice system Donald Trump is such a victim of!

It’s why his RICO trial down in Georgia just got delayed indefinitely. Because just like Black people, Donald Trump is the victim of America’s two tier justice system.

I mean, what black voter can’t relate to Donald Trump’s legal troubles? All of those judges constantly threatening to lock him up because he won’t stop threatening witnesses, jurors and judges.

The way those judges treat Donald Trump. The way they won’t stop threatening to lock him up over and over. What black American can’t relate to judges constantly threatening to lock them up?

Everyone knows that America has an epidemic of police and judges threatening to lock black people up. In fact, one third of all Black men in America at one point in their life will get threatened by a judge to be locked up.

Tim Scott is an idiot, and so is Byron Donalds.

They’re both free to be black Republicans.

But, they’re sorely mistaken if they believe the rest of the black community is as stupid as they are.

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On ABC News, J. D. Vance, the Yale educated hedge fund manager turned Republican Senator from Ohio, still insisted that there was voter fraud in 2020, even though 60 Republican lawsuits failed to provide a shred of evidence.

Donald Trump's head of Homeland Security's election integrity office, Chris Krebs, called the 2020 presidential election, “the cleanest in American history.”

While Trump was screaming “election fraud” the night he lost, Krebs issued a statement from Homeland Security saying, “There is no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changed votes, or was in any way compromised.” So, Trump fired him immediately.

But, Senator J. D. Vance, who is auditioning for the role of Trump's Vice President, told ABC News that if he, instead of Mike Pence, had been presiding over Congress on January 6, he would have permitted competing slates of electors. In other words, Vance endorsed the unconstitutional and illegal false electors scheme.

Vance added that Trump, as President, is free to ignore “illegitimate Supreme Court decisions.”

This is not the first time Vance suggested Trump should disobey the court.

Two years ago, Vance said when Trump returns to the White House, he should, “fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, and replace them with our people.”

Vance admitted that our Supreme Court would block Trump from doing that. So, he advised Trump to take a page from Andrew Jackson’s playbook.

Jackson, Trump’s favorite President, reportedly told the Supreme Court that when it ruled against him, “The chief justice has made his ruling, now let him enforce it.”

Vance was saying Trump should pull an Andrew Jackson— to hell with the court.

What Senator, J.D. Vance, Yale graduate, omitted is that nobody's certain Andrew Jackson actually did say that.

Regardless, the quote gained traction because it sums up precisely who Jackson was, and what he did to the Cherokee people.

The Supreme Court ruled against Jackson, and the state of Georgia, for uprooting the Cherokee people and relocating them to Oklahoma. This is remembered as The Trail of Tears. It was the United States stealing land for itself.

That is what Vance celebrated when he evoked Andrew Jackson’s challenge to the court. He was celebrating Trump's favorite President for ethnically cleansing the Cherokee people.

Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act, signed in 1830, lasted 20 years. It wiped out an entire indigenous population, despite the court telling him it was against the law.

Vance says Trump should be more like Jackson.

That is what a Yale education gets you - being perfectly fine with genocide.

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The Republicans went at it again in their third televised presidential debate. Five candidates appeared last night competing to see who will be the last one humiliated by Donald Trump.  

The subject of social media got heated when Vivek Ramaswamy said he opposed banning Tik Tok and pointed out that Nikki Haley’s daughter is active on the platform. Nikki Haley shot back, “Leave my daughter out of your voice!" And then Will Smith stood up and punched Chris Rock.

Nikki Haley turned to Ramaswamy and said, “You’re just scum.” If you closed your eyes, it was like listening to a reenactment of the Lincoln Douglas debates.

Vivek Ramaswamy said he opposed funding the war in Ukraine and seemed to have said that the Jewish president of Ukraine, Zelensky, was a Nazi. After the debate Ramaswamy said he didn’t mean to say that. He meant it, but he didn’t mean to say it.

Calling the leader of Ukraine a Nazi confuses Republicans. They think that means you support him.

Ron DeSantis was asked if he agreed that in order to save Social Security we should lift the retirement age. DeSantis answered, “They’re not lifts, they’re just boots, I’m 5’11.”

The debate was held in Miami, and roughly 25 miles away, Donald Trump held a rally inside a soccer stadium. Trump picked this soccer stadium because it reminded him of the one General Pinochet used in 1973 to slaughter all those Leftists.

Trump insisted it was packed, but the stadium was half empty, which is surprising because Roseanne Barr opened for him, so you’d think the place would have been completely empty.

Ivanka Trump took the witness stand in the big civil fraud trial filed by the New York attorney general’s office against her father’s glorified money laundering operation otherwise known as Trump Org., which is short for, “Trump Org…anized Crime.”

The Mafia princess, Ivanka, had to fly in from Miami. She complained that her appearance was an “undue hardship” because it’s in the “middle of a school week” and there’s nobody back home telling the driver to pick up her dry cleaning after dropping her kids off at school.

During her testimony, Ivanka said “I can’t recall” nearly fifty times. Considering how often her father groped her in public, I’m sure the poor girl has plenty of blocked memories she can’t recall. “Show me on the doll where your father asked you to tell Deutsche Bank that Mar A Lago was worth half a billion dollars.”

Ivanka testified for the better part of the day with just one break for lunch and three costume changes. Because Ivanka is stupid, when told she was about to be cross examined, she said “They’re examining my cross? I better put on my nun outfit.”

I understand the pressures placed on her to appear exactly the way daddy thinks a woman is supposed to look, but Ivanka showed up with such painstakingly manicured hair, eyeliner, and makeup it looked like she was auditioning for Dylan Mulvaney’s endorsement deal with Bud Light.

What does Ivanka say to her stylist? “Make me look like what an adult male who’s never been intimate with a woman thinks is attractive.” You know, like Jared.

Didn’t her lawyers talk to her about optics first? Clearly, three layers of concealer screams, “Nothing to hide!”

By the way, I’m not making fun of the way Ivanka looks. I’m making fun of the way she doesn’t look.

I’m sure there’s an eye-catching woman underneath that thick finishing coat of polymers, emulsifiers, and stucco. But come on, already. This is a court room in the year 2023, not Hef’s Grotto 1979.

I saw video footage of Ivanka walking into the courtroom, and for a second there, I thought it was Dorothy Stratten filing a restraining order against Paul Snider.

Ivanka, not a good role model for young women.

The New York State Attorney General Leticia James rested her case after bringing 25 witnesses to the stand. Four of those witnesses were Donald Trump and his three idiot adult children. Sadly, their long term memories are so shot their testimony sounded like a condo board meeting at the Villages.

Ivanka was the final witness. She closed the prosecution’s case the same way she closed every deal for the Trump organization, by lying about her father’s finances.

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Donald Trump took the stand in his New York State civil lawsuit where he has already been found guilty of defrauding banks, insurance companies and the United States government. We needed a trial to figure that one out? I grew up in New York. Why didn’t they ask me? I could have saved everyone a lot of time and money.

Donald Trump continued to adamantly insist Mar A Lago was worth half a billion dollars and not the eighteen million he adamantly insists it’s worth each year when he has to pay taxes on it.

Trump testified that the trial was such a sham and a scam he couldn’t believe he and his own family weren’t in on it.

Trump spent four hours on the stand in a discursive testimony that jumped from topic to topic as he free associated. The Judge at one point admonished Trump, reminding him this wasn’t one of his political rallies. And Trump said, “I know it’s not a Trump rally-- because everyone here has a high school diploma and the place doesn’t smell like warm beer and bratwurst farts.”

At one point, Trump noticed the courtroom was at full capacity. He turned to the judge and said, “I got twice the crowd Son of Sam, David Berkowitz, drew.”

Trump boasted that lonely crazy women are already trying to be his prison pen pal and he hasn’t even been sentenced yet.

Trump wouldn’t shut up. It was the first court appearance in recorded history where the prosecutor begged the defendant to take the fifth.

Trump spotted New York State Attorney General, Leticia James, and snarled, “There are murderers in New York, but the attorney general is sitting here all day long.” Trump knows for a fact there are murderers in New York because he sold them all apartments at Trump Tower. Half that building is either Russian mobsters or Narco terrorists. And, those are the friendly neighbors who answer the door on Halloween.

After Trump raised his right hand and “swore to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Trump,” he handed the judge a disclaimer that read, “Do your own research. Buyer beware. I’m warning you up front. Don’t believe a word you’re about to hear. It’s called the worthless clause, judge, that’s what we call it, so buyer beware.”

Trump said to the New York State attorney questioning him, "You and every other Democrat … coming after me from 15 different sides … all haters.” Trump hates haters. Because haters remind him of Blacks, Jews, Arabs, Hispanics, Lesbians, Drag Queens, Socialists, Marxists, the handicapped, the poor, the middle class and anyone who lives in a trailer park.

Trump said to Kevin Wallace, who was questioning him for the state of New York, "People don’t know how good a company I built because people like you are going around demeaning me.” Well, there’s a simple way to prove to the world how good a company you run Mr. Trump, and that would be by opening up your books. Oh, right. You can’t, because they’re cooked, and so are you.

Trump’s court appearance was chaotic, rambling and hostile. So, all in all it was a quiet business day in Trump World. Hey, any day is a good day when one of Trump’s followers doesn’t storm the courtroom and spread their own feces all over Lady Justice’s bare breasts.

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Link For Office Hours June 9, 2023

On June 2, 2023, President Biden delivered an address from the Oval Office on America’s debt.

Here is the speech he should have delivered:

My fellow Americans. One word describes the story of this country — More. More land, more freedom, more people, more wealth and more Democracy.

There is nothing wrong with more. If you’re able to answer the question, “More of what?”

What do you want more of?

This week my Republican colleagues and I negotiated a debt ceiling bill that gave more to our military but less in food stamps. To prevent a default, I agreed to stopped as many as 170,000 Americans from receiving SNAP benefits.

I passed a budget on the backs of our nation’s neediest. For that I am sorry.

As your president, I need to do a better job explaining how our budget process works so you don’t fall prey to right wing lies.

And, what I need you to understand is that your finances are nothing like the government’s. I need you to wash clean from your mind the lie you’ve been fed, that the government, like a family, must live within its means.

This lie is spread by the wealthiest in America who don’t want to pay taxes. And, because they don’t want to pay taxes, they want the government to cut spending just so the rich will not have to pay their fair share of taxes.

Now, here’s the important thing you need to understand. The wealthiest people in America, who control both parties, and all the economists and the universities where they teach, say that they want a balanced budget. They don’t! If America balances its budget, or runs a budget surplus, that means our treasury department stops issuing bonds. You see, when we run up a debt, like the 33 trillion dollars we owe right now, that means we issue 33 trillion dollars in treasury notes, and rich people along with institutional investors buy those treasury notes because those notes pay interest and they’re guaranteed by the full faith and credit of the United States.

I am signing this new debt ceiling bill tonight mostly to signal to the world that a United States treasury note is one of the safest places you can put your money. Thanks to the 14th amendment, America will never default on our debt.

The wealthy want us to be in debt because they want a safe place to put their money so they can collect interest on it.

That’s the difference between your government and your family. The economy will not grow unless the government has debt. Unlike your family, the government pays its debt by forcing everyone in the country to pay the government each year on April 15th.

Government finances are nothing like family finances.

Families go bankrupt. The US government does not. Families have no guarantee that money will be coming in. The US government does.

Stop thinking that the government must live within its means. The government can print the money it doesn’t have. You and I (and everyone else), cannot.

So, now that we know the government is completely different from a family, let’s talk about our 33 trillion dollars in debt.

Where did this debt come from? Seven trillion of it came from Donald Trump’s tax cuts for the rich.

The rest of the debt came from George W. Bush’s tax cuts for the rich and Ronald Reagan’s tax cuts for the rich.

We were lied to, and we’re still being lied to, by Republicans who claim lowering taxes for the wealthy will balance budgets because the wealthy will create so many jobs that our treasury department will be overflowing with new income taxes.

We gave it a try. But, unfortunately, all those tax cuts did is increase our debt to 33 trillion.

The truth is wealthy people don’t create jobs with their money — they hoard it buying treasury notes.

Whether you like it or not, the government creates jobs by pouring money into the economy through tax credits, entitlement programs and government contracts. I can assure you there is not a single “self-made” billionaire who didn’t make his fortune through some sort of government subsidy or government contract.

The very same people who demonize government spending are the very same people who benefit from its largesse.

Think of all the wealthy Republicans who voted against my student loan relief while they themselves were the recipients of Paycheck Protection Program loans that they never paid back.

So, what is an economy?

It is battle among special interest groups fighting for a slice of government spending. They are fighting over how expensive, or how cheap, the Federal Reserve will make it to borrow money.

And, this is a glorious struggle. All sorts of special interests fighting it out in the public square, making their case for why they deserve the government’s help. That’s how a Democracy is supposed to work.

But our Democracy doesn’t work. And, our economy doesn’t work. At least not for everyone. Why is that?

Because the one voice not heard in this epic struggle for government largesse is the American citizen. The people who work, and vote and pay their taxes don’t have anyone speaking for their fair share of the pie.

I am not a Marxist. But I also do not believe in a free market, because markets are manipulated by the rich and the powerful, and the easiest way to manipulate the market is to control the government. Those who control the government, control government spending. And so, we have now reached a point where the government is controlled by the rich, which means the tax code, and government spending, is dictated by the rich. How else can you explain this budget deal where poor people must work for food stamps, but children of billionaires can inherit their first 20 million without paying a single dollar in taxes.

The conversation about government spending has been contaminated by economists and politicians who are paid mightily by the richest one percent to lie about so called government handouts.

It is a lie that food stamps make people lazy. It is a lie that welfare programs create a class of people who’d rather sit on the couch than go find work.

The rich don’t believe that free money hurts people, otherwise they wouldn’t spend millions rewriting the tax codes to make sure their children never have to work a day in their life.

It is obscene for Kevin McCarthy to insist that making people work for food stamps will give them a sense of self-worth. Jobs are no guarantee of self-worth. As a matter of fact, most jobs strip us of our self-worth so that we never ask for a raise.

Self-esteem isn’t found solely in our work nor our net worth. Often it is found in our familial interactions, an artistic venture, or a garden that nobody even knows about.

In the end, the economy is what we say it is. Jobs and salaries are based on what we value as a society.

I keep a bust of Robert F. Kennedy in my Oval Office as a reminder of what this country is supposed to be.

Robert F. Kennedy was a mean son-of-a-bitch. Born into immense wealth, he never had to work a single day of his life. But, work he did. He was ambitious, driven, and made enemies. Early in his political career he was considered somewhat of a street fighter. He never had to worry about food, housing, or education. It was all handed to him, and that freed him up to fight the world. At the beginning of his career, he fought the wrong fight, siding with Joseph McCarthy in ruining the lives of American communists or taking on the Teamsters who were no more corrupt than the companies whose freight they carried.

But, he maintained a fire in his belly, despite all the wealth and handouts he received from his rich father. And then, after his brother, John F. Kennedy was assassinated, Bobby Kennedy underwent a profound transformation. In his final years, he learned that all Americans are ambitious no matter how much or how little they are born with. We all want more. We all want the moon, rich or poor.

He realized that free food, free education a social safety net doesn’t make a person dependent, it makes them stronger. Bobby visited Appalachia, went into the shacks and laid witness to the children with bloated bellies, he marched with Cesar Chavez and the field workers. Kennedy realized that everyone deserves a handout, everyone deserves a warm meal, a home, an education, and by making the least amongst us stronger, it makes our economy stronger and all of us safer.

This country has been taken over by the greedy.

As I stated at the start, America can be defined by the word more. But, unfortunately, we are being run by rich people who want more money than they actually need.

This sickens me because for them, enough is never enough.

They have poisoned our government, our environment, our jobs and our lives.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more. Our country was built by people wanting more. My ancestors came to America for more.

But enough is enough. Let’s remember why we have a government. We have a government to protect all of us and not only the richest one percent. We pay our taxes to protect everyone, especially the least among us, children, the elderly, the unlucky, people born with physical or emotional difficulties—that is the only reason we have a government.

The Scriptures teach to look after the poor. So why are we punishing them?

Let’s reimagine an economy and a government that focuses on the bottom. Let’s make rock bottom soft enough so all of us can bounce back. Otherwise, what is the point of government or for that matter any of us being here.

Goodnight and God Bless, the United States.

Link For Office Hours June 9, 2023

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On Monday, Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced he is running for president.

Tim Scott, 57 years old, is running on traditional Conservative Christian Family Values, however, he does not have a typical nuclear Republican family. He is not sending out Christmas cards of him and his loved ones brandishing AR-15s in front of the tree because there is no family, no wife, I’m not even sure there’s a lady friend.

There are reports that Tim once brought a woman with him to attend a three day political junket paid for by the conservative think tank American Enterprise. Scott was treated to an $876 dollar a night suite, large enough to accommodate Scott, his mother and, upon the urging of his mother, said lady friend.

Republicans like Scott are all about restoring “normalcy.” He is an Evangelical Christian who opposes same sex marriage because, in his world, it is “normal” for a man to marry a woman and have children.

When he was 30, Tim Scott first ran for office proudly declaring that he was a virgin. That may have worked for his conservative base because he convinced them he, like any “normal” man, yeah right, wanted to save himself for his wedding night.

The Republican party is jamming their definition of “normal” so far down our throats that several Gay Pride parades had to be cancelled in Florida this month for fear that Drag Queens would be arrested.

On Wednesday, the chain store, Target, had to pull merchandise celebrating Gay Pride because employees received so many threats that they feared for their lives.

The LGBTQ community is terrified because Tim Scott’s party has declared it’s open season on anyone Republicans deem “not normal.” According to the ACLU, this year alone, Republicans introduced a record number of 417 anti-LGBTQ bills in state legislatures.

So, I demand to know if Tim Scott is “normal.” It doesn’t seem so.

It’s not “normal” behavior for a grown man to take both a woman and his mother on a three day romantic getaway.

It’s not “normal” for a man to be proud of his virginity at age thirty.

If Republican insist on dictating to parents, teachers and students what constitutes “normalcy,” then I expect a 57 year old Republican male to be in a “healthy” heteronormative marriage with children.

Otherwise, get out of the Republican party.

I want reporters to ask Tim Scott if he is “normal” because I don’t think he’s a “normal,” red blooded Republican male. Where’s the wife and the kids?

I think like most Republican men he’s sick in the head, and that sickness is getting people killed.

Right now, young adults are committing suicide, cowering in the closet, and getting beaten up because Republicans have given license to all the bullies in this world to pass judgement on anyone they decide is different.

I don’t hear Tim Scott speaking up for these young adults.

So, I demand to know if Tim Scott is “normal.”

Explain yourself Tim Scott. Are you “normal?” Is there a woman?

Are you still a virgin?

Or are you something else?

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Title 42 expired this week.

Steven Miller, Donald Trump’s White House Senior Advisor on immigration, did not write Title 42, which was passed in 1944. He simply discovered and then used it to destroy millions of lives.

Under the guise of protecting Americans from The Corona Virus, the implementation of Title 42 turned out to be far crueler than the disease.

In the past three years, America invoked Title 42 2.5 million times, sending women and children back to gang and drug infested Central American countries where they were met with certain poverty as well as, according to Human Rights Watch, sexual assault, torture, and death.

By the end of 2020, the ACLU reported that Trump had invoked Title 42 to remove 13,000 unaccompanied minors escaping drug cartels, gangs and poverty.

The Trump White House’s Zero Tolerance policy was devised by Steven Miller, whose brainchild was the flagrant separation of mothers from their children as far back as 2017. Obviously, Miller used this as a device to send a message not to come to America.

A Xenophobe, with ties to white nationalists, Miller insisted migrants were a public health risk.

According to the New York Times, by 2018 Miller attempted to convince the White House that cases of flu, measles and mumps detected inside immigration detention centers served as enough evidence that migrants brought diseases into the USA.   The end result: Trump would be well within his emergency powers to invoke Title 42. The plain truth is that the spread of disease was caused by the negligence of Homeland Security because the detainees were forced to live on top of each other.

Human Rights Watch reports that the detainees came to America without Covid, they caught it here.

Up until March of 2020, Miller met stiff resistance from White House lawyers on Title 42. But then came Covid.

While Donald Trump downplayed the severity of the virus, at the same time he used it as an excuse to invoke  Title 42 and start removing migrants, including asylum seekers, in direct violation of international law.

Despite what it says on the Statue of Liberty, America is not accepting refugees.

Last year, the United Nations reported there are one hundred million refugees worldwide.

And yet, Vox reports the number of refugees America accepts has been on a steady decline since 1980 and is at a record low.

In 1980 we let 207,000 refugees into this country. Last year 10,700.

Just as an example, the civil war in Syria created five million refugees. America took in fewer than 20,000.

Great Powers decline when they overextend themselves militarily, and don’t have enough money for their own people.

They also decline when they turn insular, when they build giant walls keeping people out.

Great Powers decline when they become intellectually and economically incestuous.

Those migrants at the border begging to come in? We need them as much as they need us.

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There are many reasons to detest Republican politicians.

Personally? I can’t stand it that they think I am as stupid as they are.

Mitch McConnell has been serving Kentucky as a United States Senator since 1985. He is currently the most powerful Republican in the Senate, and up until two years ago was majority leader.

McConnell was reelected to a seventh term in 2020 with 57 percent of the vote. One would think that’s because his voters benefit by having such an influential representative in Washington serving them.

But Kentucky, according to US News and World Report, is currently the third unhealthiest state in America. It has the seventh worst economy and 40 percent of its citizens are obese.

Only an idiot would keep voting for him.

Asa Hutchinson is running for the Republican presidential nomination. Up until last year, he was the Governor of Arkansas.

Arkansas, according to US News and World Report, is the second unhealthiest state in America.

Judging by test scores, it also has the eighth worst public school system in America.

Yet somehow the man who couldn’t rescue Arkansas is going to save the Republican Party.

Only a moron would vote for this moron.

Nikki Haley is also running for the Republican presidential nomination. Up until 2017, she was the Governor of South Carolina which, by the way, currently has the seventh highest crime rate and tenth worst public school system in America.

As Governor, she gets an F.

But the people who voted for Nikki Haley, and will vote for her yet again, are way too ignorant to know that there are grades besides an F that you can get on a report card.

Republican Tim Scott has been in the Senate since 2013 and recently announced the creation of an exploratory committee so he too could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Like Nikki Haley, Scott is from South Carolina. He too has failed his constituents.

You’d have to be a complete imbecile to vote for Tim Scott which is why I’m absolutely certain that Tim Scott is voting for Tim Scott.

In South Carolina, one out of five African Americans live below the poverty line. While the median income for all of Senator Scott’s constituents is $50,570 a year, his African American constituents have a significantly lower median income of $32,175.

I would tell his voters to do the math, but they can’t.

One would think that because Scott is African American, he would worry about black poverty. But Scott’s a Republican so he’s doing exactly what he’s supposed to for his community — absolutely nothing.

The secret to success for any African American Republican candidate is to make it seem perfectly reasonable to blame black poverty on black people instead of systemic and structural racism.

You must be stupid to believe that, and of course racist.

If you want to make it as an African American in the Republican party, then you emphasize personal responsibility in poor black communities to protect the personal irresponsibility in the rich white ones.

Florida’s Governor, Republican Ron DeSantis, is also about to officially declare he’s a candidate for President by highlighting his Florida Blueprint for the rest of America.

By any measure, DeSantis’ only blueprint is one for failure.

There is not one single success story that Ron DeSantis can point to, other than leading the nation in banned books and actually being a bigger menace to Democracy and freedom than Donald Trump.

DeSantis presents himself as a fighter, waging war on the Woke because he can’t win the wars on crime, poverty, income inequality or Covid.

He demonizes the transgender community, passing laws demanding they go to the correct bathroom while his entire state falls into the toilet.

Despite his claims of being tough on criminals, Florida has the sixth highest crime rate in America.

Despite calling himself Pro Life, Florida’s infant mortality rate is worse than the national average.

Despite his claims of being tough on drug dealers, Florida has the second highest number of drug overdoses.

Florida is among the bottom ten states in providing health care to children.

It has the lowest vaccination rate in America.

Florida ranks 7^th  in income inequality, and has the 15^th lowest median income.

Florida workers pay more for health insurance than almost any other state.

It ranks near the bottom when it comes to health care coverage and it’s at the top when it comes to high school dropouts.

So why is Ron DeSantis so popular in Florida?

Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret about the Sunshine State. You probably didn’t know this because you rarely hear about Florida in the news, but it turns out Florida has a lot of incredibly stupid people living there.

I know this must come as a shock. I know you all think of Florida as nothing but oranges and palm trees. But, believe it or not, Florida has a lot of idiots living there. And, I’m not just talking about The Trumps.

Stupid people aren’t the sole voters for DeSantis. Well, actually they are.

It’s stupid people filled with nothing but hatred for humanity, including themselves, their wives, and alligator prostitutes that they have sex with.

So, if you want to punish everyone, including yourself, DeSantis is your guy.

And finally, we come to Donald Trump.

People voted for him because they thought the star of The Apprentice would know how to fix our economy.

Like I said, stupid.

Trump is stupid, his children are stupid, the people who vote for him are stupid. He’s an all you can eat buffet of stupid.

And yes, it’s just that simple.

More jobs were lost during the Trump administration than at any time since the height of the Great Depression under President Herbert Hoover who, just like all the aforementioned, was a Republican.

Meanwhile there’s a Democrat in the White House and today they announced 253,000 jobs were added to our economy in April dragging the unemployment rate down to  3.4 percent-- the lowest since 1969.

Wages are up 4.4 percent over last year.

Granted Americans need better jobs, with much higher pay.

But that’s never going to happen with Republicans in charge.

And yet, with no record to run on, these idiot Republicans insist they have a record to run on.

Only Republicans could think the rest of America is as stupid as they are.

In other countries stupid people are to be pitied. But thanks to gerrymandering and voter suppression in Americans stupid people are to be feared.

Republicans are stupid.

What are you? A Democrat? Or an moron?

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Tonight’s Office Hours is An Evening Of Comedy, Mental Illness, Music, History and Politics. Our guests are: Professor Harvey J. Kaye, Comic Ethan Herschenfeld, Peter B. Collins, Dr. Philip Herschenfeld and Professor Mike Steinel.

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Tucker Carlson, promoter of the great replacement theory, is being replaced. Maybe by Jesse Watters, or video footage of a burning cross. Makes no difference.

Yes, Tucker Swanson Carlson (heir to the Swanson’s frozen TV dinner fortune) is now cooked.

Fox News announced on Monday it’s “parting ways” with Tucker. Actually, first Fox “parted ways” with three quarters of a billion dollars and then it “parted ways” with Tucker Carlson-- because it didn’t want to “part ways” with another three quarters of a billion dollars.

Tucker’s final episode was last Friday. He hosted the entire show without a clue-- but, then again, when has he not?

I guess the saddest part about Tucker Carlson being fired is he’s still got his health.

I feel sorry for Tucker’s fans. This is the worst thing to happen to them since congress passed the Civil Rights acts of ‘64 and ‘65.

Let’s be honest. Tucker Carlson hosted the second most racist show in the history of television right behind Thursday Night Baseball.

What are Tucker’s viewers going to watch now? Certainly not their diet.

As for Tucker, don’t worry.

The offers are pouring in.

I’m not making this up! Russian Television said he could have a job with them, which is somewhat surprising. I thought Tucker already worked for Russian Television.

No, don’t worry about Tucker.

He’s got plenty of money for retirement, and do you know why? He never watched those commercials on his show for reverse mortgages and gold in your IRA.

Yeah, Tucker’s got plenty of money to pursue his real passions-- like fly fishing in Montana or blowing up black churches in the South.

Grueling several days for Fox.

They settled with Dominion. Even worse… America’s Unemployment rate is down to 3.5 percent. Biden’s presided over 27 straight months of job growth. The latest numbers show we’re still not in a recession. I’m surprised Fox News can even get out of bed in the morning.

They fired Dan Bongino last week. Tucker this week. They’re firing more next week. Honestly, I can’t tell if Rupert Murdoch is letting people go because of the Dominion lawsuit or he’s just trying to sabotage Biden’s job numbers.

Who’s Rupert firing next?

For the first time in their lives, the folks over at Fox are more afraid of losing their jobs than they are of strong, opinionated black women.

At least Sean Hannity doesn’t have to worry about ending up on the chopping block—with that cement head of his-- Fox is going to need a jackhammer.

Tucker is now getting sued by the woman who booked his show.

She’s accusing him of racism, misogyny, homophobia and anti-semitism. Shocking. Who could have ever imagined? Other than anyone who watched his show.

You know, I’m pretty certain “racism, misogyny, homophobia and anti-semitism” are the words underneath Tucker Carlson’s family crest.

More sad news, Jerry Springer died on Thursday. First Tucker and now Jerry. Rough week for people who should have never been born in the first place.

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Tonight’s Office Hours: Come meet 30 Rock’s Judah Friedlander, one of the funniest people on the planet. Also joining us is David's hero-- Mike Elk, the founding editor of Payday Report along with our beloved Professor Mike Steinel author of "Saving Charlie Parker: A Novel."

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Ron DeSantis is a lying, Godless, hypocrite - a sadistic bully who is incompetent, self-serving, and unethical. Which is why he’d make a terrific Republican nominee for president.  

Ron DeSantis is a once in a lifetime scumbag.

He is the fresh face Republicans need to usher in a generational change of hatred, bigotry, and intolerance.

DeSantis has an ugliness that’s impossible to resist. His vindictiveness makes an old man like me feel young and vibrant again.

I strongly urge Republicans to give him a second look before it’s too late. I believe DeSantis holds in his hands the final nails in America’s coffin.

Trump can’t beat Biden.

However, the latest polls show DeSantis beating Biden by three points.

Unfortunately for DeSantis before he can beat Biden, he must first beat Trump and he can’t.

The latest Wall Street Journal Poll shows Trump clobbering him by 24 points and Harvard/Harris shows Trump up by 35 points.

I’d call it a “Catch 22” but I’m afraid DeSantis would ban it along with all those other books in Florida.

I do agree DeSantis could use a little seasoning. While he’s a more effective Fascist than Trump, the problem is he’s no fun.

Trump is fun.

Unlike DeSantis, Trump would never go after Disneyland. Disneyland is strong and powerful. There’s no fun in punching up.

If DeSantis were a wee bit wiser, he’d know that to win the Republican nomination you punch down. Why attack Disneyland when there’s Mountain Creek Adventure in Parsippany, New Jersey.

Or Splish Splash Waterpark in Branson, Missouri.

American voters respond when you punch the poor and the weak because it’s fun.

Andrea Bocelli is blind. Go after him.

Trump will probably win the nomination.

Because in the end, voters see DeSantis as Trump Lite.

Republican voters who consider deep fried Twinkies with a side of Big Macs a snack, can hardly be expected to choose the candidate who’s less filling.

Which is precisely why I doubt DeSantis will even run.

Granted a lot can happen between now and 2024. Trump could get convicted of murdering the Pope and get sentenced to life in prison. In which case he definitely gets the Republican nomination.

And that’s too bad, because if Republicans got to know DeSantis, they’d see how truly horrible he is as both a man and governor.

Under DeSantis’ leadership, 20 percent of Floridians have absolutely no health insurance, one of the highest numbers in the country.

Even more impressive, Floridians pay more for health insurance than any other state.

Florida’s infant mortality rate is far worse than the national average.

And so is Florida’s high school dropout rate.

Clearly DeSantis has done a spectacular job neglecting Florida’s children.

And he’s completely dropped the ball on Covid.

This year Florida has the  8^th highest number of total COVID-19 cases, and it comes in 13^th for total COVID-19 deaths per capita.

This is precisely the horrific record a Republican can run on.

The man is delightfully repugnant.

But thanks to Trump he’s probably never going to get a chance to do to America what he did to Florida.

It’s sad to see such a loathsome Republican talent go to waste.

Don’t let it happen.

We must nominate DeSantis.

Donald Trump must step aside.

Ron DeSantis is the only candidate best equipped to carry the Republican torch across our great land and set fire to our orphanages and childrens’ hospitals.

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The following is a letter from Donald Trump written in the not too distant future:

December 21, 2024.

Merry Christmas, and, for you people of color, happy holidays.

I hope 2025 brings you joy.

My fellow Americans, it is I, Donald Trump writing to you from a Birmingham jail where I await sentencing after being unfairly convicted of some minor offenses like treason, rape, money laundering, rape, tax evasion, sexual assault, election interference, more rape, bribery, rape, along with rape, rape and rape.

Total witch hunt.

Never before in the history of America’s criminal justice system has someone been treated this poorly.

I feel like Sacco and Vanzetti, if Sacco and Vanzetti were innocent, which they were not.

Innocent people don’t have accents.

And yet, everyone feels sorry for Sacco and Vanzetti.

People call them martyrs.

Not me.

I like martyrs who don’t end up dead.

Joan of Arc? Loser. And a two at best. More like Joan of Bark. If you catch my drift, and if you don’t I’m saying she’s a dog, because that’s what dogs do, they bark. Joan of Bark.

Jail, like Joan of Bark, is not pretty. The drinking water is brackish, the paint is peeling and the air conditioning doesn’t work. I can’t believe my name isn’t on the place.

I’ve met, however, some interesting people.

Yesterday I joined a gang of white supremacists who call themselves The Republicans.

Although I spend most of my time in solitary I am never alone.

The spirits of Dr. King, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Ghandi and all those other lightweights who don’t deserve a national holiday are with me right now.

They’re telling me they can’t believe how great I’m holding up. Frankly, it’s a little embarrassing.

Ghandi just said my hunger strike is like nothing he’s ever seen before. Thirty minutes and only a party sized bag of Grandma’s peanut butter cookies and a Capri Sun apple juice box. That’s all I’ve had for the last thirty minutes of my hunger strike. He can’t believe my willpower.

And the spirit of Dr. King is also with me. Dr. Lester King who kept me out of Vietnam by inventing a condition known as bone spurs.

And then of course Nelson Mandela is with me, which is somewhat surprising because he and I didn’t always see eye to eye on things like Apartheid.

But here he is. I didn’t know you could wear those stupid loud shirts in the afterlife. Apparently, you can.

I was hoping heaven had a dress code. But just like the last days of Studio they seem to be attracting that bridge and tunnel crowd.

If I can impart any wisdom about the joint, it is don’t become anyone’s bitch.

That’s why my first day in the yard I looked for the toughest looking guy and in front of everyone I said, “What are you looking at?”

And then I proceeded to beat the living crap out of him just to show everyone I’m not to be trifled with.

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, because naturally the toughest guy in the yard was me, Donald Trump. It’s not easy kicking your own ass.

I must leave you now. It’s already mid-December and my inauguration is almost a month away and I still haven’t picked an attorney general.

I’m thinking of nominating this Alex Murdaugh guy I just met. He’s a lawyer who tells me he specializes in violent crime.

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Harlan Crow has been one of my dearest friends for as long as I can remember. Those who think Harlan only likes me because of the legal favors I could perform, simply don’t know Harlan Crow. Up until recently Harlan didn’t even know what I did for a living. He thought Supreme Court Justice was my first name, and Clarence Thomas was my last.

Harlan likes me, and I like him. That’s all there is to it. He’s the yin to my yang. We both enjoy expensive gifts, I receiving them - he giving them.

And they weren’t even gifts. I would never accept a gift. These were personal hospitalities.

Am I supposed to disclose every personal hospitality extended to me by a friend?

My neighbor, Larry, gave me his old chainsaw last year. Should I disclose that? The waitress at the Olive Garden didn’t charge us for a refill on my soda, should I disclose that? Harlan Crow flies me on his private jet to an all expense paid vacation at his resort in the Adirondacks where he gets me talking about the inner workings of the Court so he can invest accordingly. I’m supposed to disclose that too? Where does it all end?

Look, I’m a public servant, and as a public servant I totally get it. I get it that sacrifices must be made for the privilege of sitting on the highest court. Which is why, when I took this job, I gave up repeatedly asking female underlings out on dates no matter how often they insisted it made them uncomfortable.

I also agreed to stop following female coworkers into the ladies room without consent to show off my photographic memory by describing in precise detail the Brazilian Nun porn I watched the night before.

I even dialed back my witticisms, forgoing my Noel Coward-like bon mots like asking attractive female coworkers if that was a pubic hair on their Diet Coke.

I gave all that up for the Court.

But I never agreed, nor would I, to becoming a casualty in the radical Left’s war on Christmas by refusing gifts. I’m sorry, did I say gifts? I meant personal hospitalities. I would never accept a gift, that would be wrong.

Did I accept $500,000 in free travel each year from Harlan? Yes. And I will do so again this year because Harlan is a Christian, and I have no right to interfere with any man’s religious freedom to be generous.

Hey, if I knew these trips were valued at $500,000 each I’d go on The Price Is Right.

I just accepted them. It never occurred to me to say, “This is a fantastic private resort Harlan, and your free meals are incredible. What would it run us if Ginni and I decide to stop being your friend and instead go out of pocket?”

You don’t ask how much a personal hospitality is worth.

Read the Bible, specifically the Hospitalities of The Magi. The Baby Jesus accepted the gold, frankincense, and myrrh from the Three Wise Men but never once said, “Can you ballpark what all this would go for on the open market in the name of full transparency?” Didn’t happen.

And let’s clear something up immediately. Harlan isn’t giving me hospitalities because I sit on the Supreme Court. I know this guy. He’d hospitality me if I were an appellate court judge or even a municipal judge. Harlan likes judges.

Some billionaires who own luxury resorts invite artists, musicians or chefs to come visit. Harlan prefers offering judicial residencies. At his resort, his guests are encouraged to learn the joy of judging by watching me judge things like how fresh the salmon at lunch was or how cinematic that last sunset turned out to be.

Because I get paid to judge, I’m always amazed at how little your run-of-the-mill weekend judge with no hopes of ever going pro actually knows about judging. Especially when it comes to judging the difference between a French Merlot and one from the Napa Valley.

I wish more people could spend time with me at these resorts just watching me judge things. They would gain a keener appreciation of how hard it is to sit on the Supreme Court.

Harlan and I get along so well because we’re not jealous of each other’s immense talent. He’s not envious of my great judging skills, and I’m not envious of his innate gift to find just the right personal hospitality to keep me coming back to his resorts.

Some accuse me of liking Harlan simply because he’s wealthy. Honestly? Up until this story broke in Pro Publica, I had no idea that he was a billionaire. I swear. I never think about what people are worth. I figured he was a multi millionaire. Turns out he’s a billionaire. Doesn’t matter to me.

And, by the way, the hospitality giving was a two way street.

Yes, his personal hospitalities given to me were in the neighborhood of $500,000 each. But, my personal hospitalities given to him were the acts of showing gratitude for his personal hospitalities to me that were in the neighborhood of $500,000 each.

That’s what dear, dear friends do. They exchange personal hospitalities.

For example, I remember waking up Christmas morning last year on his super yacht anchored off an Indonesian archipelago. Sitting on my nightstand I noticed a gift wrapped mint condition Patek Philippe watch cast in rose gold. It was a personal hospitality from Harlan Crow.

Knowing that this watch was only one of two in existence, I wanted to give Harlan a personal hospitality of equal value. I thought long and hard. How do I reciprocate?

And then it hit me. I would wear the new watch at dinner.

I wish I could wear the look on his face that night around my wrist, but I guess I’ll just have to settle with the 700,000 dollar Patek Philippe instead.

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